I'm at it again...

First of all, I’d just like to apologise to those of you who may have been waiting for this next post. I said it would be done on Tuesday and it wasn’t, so I’m sorry about that. I could have written about it at the time, but the truth is I’ve been a little pre-occupied...with myself. That’s not an excuse, just the reason, valid or not.

Facts of the matter are this:
• I don’t have the job in Singapore. Disappointing, yes, but I was always prepared for that outcome, much as I didn’t want it.
• I have, naturally, been a little low and I must admit that my practice has left a lot to be desired. Saturday and Sunday I did attend meetings and enjoyed them thoroughly. I could have gone back to the centre and joined in the chanting meetings, but I’ve been too bloody lazy to do so.
• I am likely going to be back in Sydney in a few weeks, but there is always the option of going to New Zealand and spending Christmas with my family, something I haven’t done in three years I think it is now. This is a problem for me because I don’t really know what I should do and both options carry inherent risks, financially speaking, and I am getting pretty tetchy about not having an income.
• I have also found myself, particularly over the last few days, become a little piqued about this “Financial Crisis.” The whole idea of it is just abhorrent to me (and likely to all of you, too) and something about it really stinks. I am going to investigate further and why I am so pre-occupied with this should come as no surprise to any of you. I have never (and likely will never) considered myself a socialist, but I must admit that my tendencies are leaning further and further “left.”

And so, during this last week I have done little else apart from grow increasingly concerned (rightly or wrongly) about the above. It must also be admitted that I am a little excited and apprehensive about returning to Sydney. I do love Sydney and it will always be my home. I am, as some of you know, missing my little boy, Yoda, dreadfully. Missing him to the point where I am pretty certain the only reason I got Roger was as a cat-replacement. I have also become obsessed with Shiba Inus. The most adorable dog I have ever come across. And the only breed I have ever seriously considered becoming an owner of once I am financially able to do so. These obsessions of mine are, of course, designed to distract me greatly from the tasks at hand, namely; get a job and get settled again. I’m afraid that Joe has taken a bit of a back seat, although that will change once we know what he is going to be doing. The idea of him being based off Phuket in Thailand is not altogether palatable, but I do believe I have stated previously that I have no intention of holding him back from doing what he really wants to do. I believe very firmly that that is far more important than how the hell we are going to be able to continue a relationship whilst he is a quarter of the globe away from me. People do it. And in far more strenuous situations than ours will be.

Either way, whatever is going to happen is just what I will have to deal with. My only problem, really, is that at this point I have to actually make decisions about things so it’s caused a bout of serious self-reflection, which does no one any good whatsoever. Particularly with me as I do have the ability to become frighteningly introverted. Not to me of course, but to everyone else. I will admit that I have been teary lately, but I am putting that down to hormones and on occasion (which are the operative words I might add) the odd hangover. Do not judge my drinking please. I am quite alright. Just being me and there really is nothing to worry about thank you very much.

So what we have is this: I am trying to figure out which way to go, but feel that I don’t have all the necessary information. I am researching furiously (whether you notice it or not) and trying very hard to figure out what exactly it is I want now. I am trying not to close off options, although there are definite things I don’t want to do and living in Thailand is one of them. I would live in India if the opportunity was there, but it’s not, and that’s just how it is. I also feel a very strong pull toward Yoda. Some of you will understand and some of you will not, but Yoda has been mine for twelve years. He has been with me through a period of tremendous upheaval, namely, my twenties, and has been there to sit on my face and sneeze on me when I needed it least, not to mention the digestive upsets. He is, simply put, my child and I need him even if he doesn’t need me. I am also very keen to spend time with my family, but of course financial considerations are fairly strong. Any option is a risk that needs to be weighed. And I’m repeating myself again so I will move on...

Which brings me to the latest pre-occupation beside myself: The World Economic Crisis. Honestly, it seems to be a load of bollocks. Not because it doesn’t have serious ramifications for many many people who can least afford to be affected by a World Economic Crisis, but because of whyit does. I won’t pretend that I am an economist or that I really know anything about the way the world works, economically speaking. What I can say with absolute conviction is that my instinct is very seldom unreliable and my instinct tells me that something is not right about any of this. I mean, people can lose their jobs simply because other people don’t want shares in the companies these people work for. How on earth does that make any sense? Am I right about that? Is that what it is in a nutshell? Why did AIG receive US$150 billion as a rescue package? Why didn’t that money go to those poor people who are losing their homes because the banks were so keen to make short-term profit? How did a company like AIG (which is rich from me considering my career is apparently insurance-based) get to be so big that its collapse could spell financial trouble all over the globe? WHY is this kind of ridiculousness acceptable? I mean seriously, doesn’t any of this strike you as crazy? Doesn’t it ring alarm bells? How did we let this happen?! I suppose many people think that Obama and Kevin being elected marks a huge change in what people are thinking and I’m sure in real terms it does, but golly gosh, do we really believe that these guys are that different to what we had? If we do our homework, which no one can be bothered doing, I’m sure we’ll realise that they are no different. I really hope I am wrong about this.

I’m finding that the problem with the World Economic Crisis, if it even is one (I’m still sceptical – perhaps I think it’s a last-ditch attempt by the powers that be to yank yet more money away from the poor so it can be stored by the rich), is that financial-speak is too dry, too boring and too jargonistic for anyone to be bothered looking into it at all. I do feel that somewhere, what is going on is a construction of the mind, designed to con us all. Into what I don’t know, but I intend to find out. Call me cynical, call me a communist, call me anything you like, but something just feels very out of kilter here. I’ve only just come to this conclusion, so more research is required. Who knows? I might discover that I was just over-reacting. It’s possible, but there’s nary a feeling I’ve had that hasn’t been proven right in the end.

So, this week that’s really what I’ve been up to. I know there are a couple of people who have kindly written me lovely long emails and I haven’t replied yet, but I will. Part of my reason for holding off was that I was hoping to have some actual news to report. But I don’t really. It will come in time. I’m not off the planet, yet, but I am feeling very very unsettled just now and that is not helping the side of myself that likes to wander in the clouds and delve in the streams and mud of possibilities. My infatuation with animals has reached danger point this week and this next week is being spent re-focussing and concentrating on my practice. I am not chanting, I’m not really moving in the directions I want to. And Joe’s farting is just too much. Seriously people, you should feel sorry for me. Poor Roger is doubling as a face-mask all too frequently.